Even though I come from a very large family I grew up believing that no one loved me. Not sure where this belief originated because no one ever expressed hate towards me but the belief was so powerful it became the filter in which everything had to make itself through. It was this reality I created for myself that fueled my rebellious and self destructive lifestyle. I assumed that because I didn’t get certain things in my childhood it meant that I was not loved.
I have to say when I date someone and it doesn’t work out, I always walk away with very profound aha moments from the date itself. Last year I tried to date a person but because of travelling covid restrictions it didn’t work out but in one of conversations he said to me, “Michell, even though people didn’t love you the way you wanted them to, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t love you.” If he had said this 10 years ago I would have completely brushed it off.
People love within their capacity to love, that’s the only way humans can love. So if they’re emotionally surviving and they’re unhappy with themselves their love is going to come across harsher and colder than someone who’s happy, thriving and in love with themselves. But we never think of it that way. When we don’t get what we believe we deserve in a relationship we selfishly think to ourselves that it’s because the person did not want to give it, we didn’t deserve it or it’s because they didn’t love us. Not that the person that we’re interacting with might not be in a good place or that they don’t have the capacity to give us what we need. I know that people will make you feel the way they feel about themselves naturally, but now I’m dealing with my narrow beliefs of being unloved which my date made me realise is not true.
There is so much love in nature alone. Trees pump oxygen for us to breathe, flowers bloom for us to notice their beauty, the sun rises and sets dutifully for us and plants wait for us to speak to them. Even tornadoes as destructive as they can be happen to cool down the atmosphere when it gets too hot so people and animals don’t overheat. If you believe that no one loves you, nature alone shows you otherwise.
The selfishness in feeling unloved is that we take one thing that we believe that we are not getting and make it the focal point for the entire relationship but if you look closer you can see where the person did try to love you in their own way. Remember some people come into your life for a reason or a season. You damage yourself when you try to make someone who is supposed to be temporary in your life permanent. And just because it didn’t work it doesn’t mean that they didn’t care about you or that you were not worthy of their love. They loved you within their capacity to love and if their love wasn’t what you needed then it was okay for it to end. Someone better is on their way to you as long as you don’t look regrettably at the past. The emotional power position is to recognise the way they could love you and be grateful for what they taught you, not grieving over what you didn’t receive. You did not miss out on anything, you grew from knowing that person and you are going to get what you want if you keep moving forward with only your lessons and the right perspective of them in your rearview mirror.
